a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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