when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
