I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
