Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
