My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
