I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
