I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Randomize
