My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
