Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
i need some magic done to my vagina
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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