your thong is hanging out like whoa
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
