How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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