I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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