I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
