Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
