In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
