I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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