My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There's always time for handjobs
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
