Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm both gender and math confused
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
