You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
