If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
