I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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