So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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