What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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