Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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