you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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