you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
