dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
