i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
They are going to name an STD after you.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
