No stitches, just platelets and will power
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
