so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
