dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
