It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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