You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
