remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Tell her she can't have a vagina
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
