hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
