Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i think i have herpe
just one?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
