took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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