Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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