I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
