Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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