So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
