I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
