im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
