my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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