and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
