I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
