i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
