Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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