Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
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