I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you inspire me to be a worse person
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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