I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
These tits shall not be calmed
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
