Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
